I've been going through a particularly hard time lately and thus feel the need to vent and ask for suggestions by posting this blog. While my story may seem ridiculous or pathetic, I'm sure it's not the first of its kind so any feedback, good or bad would help me greatly and be so much appreciated.

A year ago this coming January, my boyfriend of a year and a half and I broke things off because that's the way I wanted it at the time. Our relationship was pretty much a trainwreck filled with awful trust issues, constant crying and fighting...there was absolutely nothing good about our relationship other than the fact that we were completely crazy about each other and loved each other on such a deep level.

To take things back a little bit....Adam and I had been together for almost a year and were living together at the time, hoping our relationship could work out better if we spent more time together (yes, i know, wrong reason to live together). Our first Valentine's day he surprised me with a gorgeous promise ring..which he had never done for previous girlfriends. We broke up just a little bit after our one year anniversary in July, but things weren't completely over. We skirted around our breakup issues for awhile..we still hung out, talked mostly everyday, but he didn't want to be back together and I did. The summer came to an end and I had finally come to terms with the way things were between us. We talked about getting back together and decided a weekend away camping with his family would be really helpful for us and our relationship. Sure enough, the weekend away gave us hope that things weren't over between us and we decided to give it another shot...this was in October of last year. A few weeks back into our relationship I found out Adam had developed an online relationship with some random woman he had met off of a myspace chat room which is hurtful and confusing...he had been so crazy about me and so sure he wanted to be back together. I was so hurt and obviously it didn't help that we had trust issues to begin with...so after many long talks and the two of us crying together (he didn't cry much..but when he did it meant he was passionate about it and in a sad way it made me feel good to know how much he cared), we decided to keep trying, we did not want to give up. After a few weeks of trying and continuously fighting over this mystery woman, I came into contact with her only to find out Adam had called her a few times..while we had been together. I'll admit that Adam having friends who were women did not bother me in the slightest..the fact that this woman was kept secret from me was what I had the issue with. And to be honest, phone calls--ehh not a big deal..but lying about anything is a HUGE deal to me. Anyways...he lied about talking to her over the phone at all and I decided I had had enough...This all took place over October and November of last year (07').

A few months went by and Adam and I were in limbo again. Still hanging out and talking. This time, he was desperate to get me back. He did all the little things he had never done during our relationship and I very honestly wanted nothing to do with him..he kind of disgusted me in a way. So I blew him off for a couple months and probably took him on an emotional rollercoaster ride, unintentionally of course. I just wasn't sure if he was really changing or if this was still the same old Adam..I was confused and I didn't want to get more emotionally hurt than I was at that time. Things went on this way for a few months until the beginning of January and I heard through the grapevine he had slept with someone else and my heart shattered. As soon as I heard I immediately called him, professing my love to him and telling him how much I had realized I wanted to be us again..and I wanted it now. Needless to say Adam was apprehensive...and at that time I had another man interested in me...Dan. Who I had "known of" in high school but never talked to...he was a starter on the football team and one of the guys I constantly talked to my friends about commenting on how HOT i thought he was.(which really didn't matter to me...high school was 4 years ago..big deal)

I wanted Adam back so badly I could taste it and for a week or so he was still apprehensive. Over the course of our relationship I had grown extremely close with his family and during this time I talked with Adam's mom daily, asking her advice..and she said "Trixie....just wait it out...Adam may be acting like he isn't sure..but he's still so in love with you, I know he'll take you back and things will be okay with you two". Sure enough, I didn't listen. I had gotten many calls from Dan asking to see me...and I thought it couldn't hurt if I saw him once...it would prove to me even more how much I was in love with Adam.

So...I saw Dan one night and apparently I thought my mind was made up...I was done with Adam, it was time for me to move on. Another one of my moves that I completely blame on my bad habit of acting on impulses. The next day I heard from Adam...and I broke his heart yet again telling him I thought he was what I wanted but I was mistaken....and I went on to form a relationship that happened VERY quickly with Dan.

Dan and I had been together for about a month and a half before I started getting texts and phone calls from Adam...mostly when he was drunk, telling me how much he loved me and wanted me back. I was so irritated at these phone calls I couldn't stand it...I wanted to be there for him but at the same time he was never there for me when he broke my heart..why should I do that for him?...The last phone call I can remember getting from him before the biggest heartbreak of my life thus far was back in Marcch of 08. ...Adam had been drinking and called me over and over and over again. We talked on the phone for an hour...I tried to call him down but at the same time I wasn't as nice as I could have been...and he cried hysterically, telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me...and I told him it wasn't possible. So the last thing he asked me was if i was happy, and I said yes..and we got off the phone.

Adam and I lost contact from the middle of march til about the first few weeks in may and then i heard the news. Not only did Adam have a new girlfriend, but she was pregnant. I was and still am devastated when I think about how I probably could have avoided such pain for myself, but I was too hard headed and stubborn. It took Adam awhile to answer my phone calls and texts after he had learned that I knew about his situation. I immediately got back into contact with his family whom I had lost contact with for a few months since Dan and I were still together...

Adam and I talked a few times from May to June and then what would have been our 2 year anniversary approached and a few days after that, we finally had a meaningful conversation via phone. I told him how much I still loved him and how I wasn't necessarily waiting for him but that I didn't believe it was fully over and I would always be there for him..and just because he had a child with someone else didn't mean we couldn't be together at some point. He admitted that his feelings for me haden't gone away and they were still there...but he needed to make a solid effort with the mother of his child so he would have no regrets and no one could say he didn't try. Adam hinted to the fact that the last reason he was with this woman was because he was in love with her. Our conversation was hopeful and left such a good feeling in my heart...I was happy.

A few weeks later he asked if I wanted to come over to his apartment so we could hang out together..which we haden't done in a long time. He still had a girlfriend and Dan and I had broken up at the time. This is where I feel like my story sounds like a high school soap opera..and I type that as I chuckle to myself....anywho...a friend of mine had friend requested Adam's girlfriend via a popular website and being smarter than I had guessed, she figured out it was one of my friends so naturally she freaked out on Adam and immediately he called me. He told me we couldn't hang out the following night as we had planned because now something had been suspected and his girlfriend was giving him a hard time about me. To make this part of the story a little short...he ended up calling me over speaker phone with his girlfriend present...yelling and cursing at me, trying to make me look like the bad guy to his girlfriend only to clear his name and pin me as the "crazy ex girlfriend". Of course with my impulsivity and my inability to go through the reasoning process on short notice, I felt as though I had been backed into a corner and I needed to fight my way out so naturally I divulged information to his girlfriend, who I knew was listening, that had been told to me by not only Adam but his family. Of course it didn't matter what I said, I was still the bad guy. I told his girlfriend if she wanted the truth to give me a call..and later after Adam left she did. I told her about our recent conversations and forwarded her emails he had sent me saying how much he still loved me and missed me..along with text messages too. Of course I didn't think about how awful I would feel about doing that after my anger had subsided.

After the high school like drama with Adam and his new baby's momma, they both changed their phone numbers so I could no longer get ahold of either one of them..which was fine until again my anger subsided and then I was faced to deal with the situation all at once and now here I am. It's been five months since the huge blow up and five months without any contact with Adam. I'm still close with his family and keep in contact with several of them and they constantly reassure me that one day he and I will get our chance to talk and possibly for some closure...but right now I feel stuck. Adam hates me right now...literally does not like me at the present time. Not only is he hurt that after a year and a half I would throw him under the bus and ultimately make his life a living hell because basically I'm the center of his new relationship..he and his girlfriend fight about me constantly(literally, I'm at the center of their relationship without even trying), she's obsessed with me and what I'm doing with my life, and she gets ridiculously upset when she thinks/knows I'm in contact with Adam's family. But I also threw any trust he had in me out of the window...and his new girlfriend refuses him to have any contact with me what so ever. At times I ask myself why...why do I even care?...and at other times I feel so helpless and shattered by the entire series of events it's hard to deal with.

Ultimately, I'm immensely hurt and confused. How can a man call me, hysterically crying, basically begging for me to take him back and then literally WEEKS later he ends up getting someone pregnant and jumping into a relationship with a woman who he claims  is his "love and his life". I hate to sound like the stereotypical ex girlfriend...but to be brutally honest and to put his relationship into perspective...he got her pregnant in a drunken stooper and woke up the next day laughing with his friends, making fun of how large this woman is....and now she's his "love and his life"...? I don't understand. I feel betrayed...he wanted a life with me...he wanted kids with me...and one drunk night and my impulsivity and jumping into a relationship with Dan caused who i feel is the love of my life to just slip away and there he is...seemingly happy with his new life and here I am trying to do what I can to get over it...which is why I've resorted to a blog.

I don't feel like Adam was my first love and actually when I give it a lot of thought, I know he wasn't and frankly when I put my feelings out there for those close to me to hear, I always get the "first love" speech and I don't want that anymore. I want to know if what I'm feeling is "normal" or am I holding on because of unfinished business...deep down do I know he'll come back to me? or is that something I just hope for SO much that I have myself believing it will happen once he realizes he doesn't want to be with her. Meanwhile, I have Dan hanging onto my every word...which i hate, but i'm SO afraid of letting him go from my life entirely. I want to correct the mistakes I made with Adam..and be there for Dan but at the same time I feel like I hinder his healing process...but is it ridiculous that I'm SO scared he'll do what Adam did to me and find a random girl at a bar and get her pregnant and I'll start this awful cycle all over again....Please help.


-Heartless